Self-Compassion: How to Stop being SO Hard on Yourself

Self-compassion involves treating yourself the way you would treat a friend who is having a hard time. Many times, when our friends come to us feeling inadequate, worthless, or are just facing a hard time in their life, we do not invalidate them or criticize them. Rather, we offer empathy, respect, and treat them with care. In Western culture, when we see our family, friends, or neighbours struggling, there is a greater emphasis placed on being kind and compassionate to them, but not so much when it comes to ourselves. Hence, self-compassion is a practice in which we learn to be a good neighbour or friend to ourselves when we need it the most. 

Let’s consider a simple example. If your friend calls you and informs you that their partner cheated on them, and they are on the phone with you sounding devastated, would you tell them that they are deserving of this because they are ugly, rude, and mean, and that it’s all their fault because they are good for nothing? Would you ever talk this way to someone you cared about? Of course not. 

But strangely, this is precisely the type of thing we say to ourselves in such situations, or worse. With self-compassion, we learn to speak to ourselves like a good friend. 

For example, I’m so sorry. Are you okay? You must be so upset and overwhelmed. Remember, I’m here for you and I deeply appreciate you. 

Although a simple way to think about self-compassion is treating yourself as you would treat a good friend, the more complete definition involves three core elements that we bring to bear when we are in pain: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness (Neff & Germer, 2018). 

Self-kindness 

When we make mistakes or experience any kind of failure, we are more likely to beat ourselves up with negative self-talk. However, self-kindness counters this idea and states that it’s important for us to be nice and caring towards ourselves, just as we are to others. We protect ourselves from harm by having a nurturing attitude rather than being harshly critical of ourselves. We try to offer ourselves unconditional positive regard and empathy (Neff & Germer, 2018). . 

Common humanity 

This helps us recognize that all humans are inherently a work in progress, make mistakes, have flaws, and experience failures and hardships in life. It’s important to acknowledge, through the lens of self-compassion, that life entails suffering without exception. 

As one is reading this, they may say to themselves that this is obvious. But if you introspect, you will realize how easy it is to forget this and fall into the trap of believing that things are “supposed” to go well. Just because we make mistakes and fail does not mean we are

undeserving or not good enough. Rather, it is important to acknowledge that making mistakes and experiencing failure is part of the human experience. 

When we remind ourselves that pain and suffering are a shared part of being human, our difficult experiences can become a source of connection with others rather than something that makes us feel alone. The circumstances may be different, and the intensity of pain may vary, but the underlying experience of suffering is something that all of us encounter at different points in our lives (Neff & Germer, 2018). 

Mindfulness 

Mindfulness is being aware in the present moment in a clear and balanced way. When practicing mindfulness, one is allowing all thoughts, emotions, and behaviors to enter awareness without resistance or avoidance. 

The reason mindfulness is an important part of self-compassion is because we need to be present with our pain and suffering long enough to extend our care, warmth, and kindness. Though we know suffering is obvious, many times we don’t realize how much pain we are in, especially when it’s caused by our own self-criticism. Many times, we are so engrossed in problem-solving that we don’t really pause in the moment and acknowledge how difficult this is. 

What self-compassion is not

Self-compassion is for the weak, I need to be tough and strong to get through life

Another major concern is that self-compassion will make us weak and vulnerable. In fact, self-compassion can be a great source of strength, resilience, and courage to face daily difficult situations. Research has shown that people who can engage in self-compassion are better able to cope with life challenges such as divorce, grief, trauma, etc. . 

Self-compasssion is selfish 

Many times, we feel that self-compassion can make us self-centered and that we won’t be able to provide support for others. However, when we are able to give self-compassion to ourselves, it strengthens our self-esteem and can enable us to give more to others in relationships. It’s important to know that we cannot pour from an empty cup. 

If I show self-compassion towards myself then I am just feeling sorry for myself 

Self-compassion is very different from self-pity. While self-pity can often sound like “poor me” and keep us focused on our own suffering, self-compassion helps us recognize that life can be difficult for everyone in different ways.

Research suggests that people who practice self-compassion are more likely to step back and look at their experiences from a broader perspective, rather than becoming completely absorbed in their own distress. They are also less likely to repeatedly dwell on how bad things are, which explains why self-compassion is associated with better mental health. 

RAIN Technique to Practice Mindfulness Self-Compassion 

To help address feelings of insecurity and unworthiness, I like to share a technique called the RAIN of Self-Compassion. 

The acronym RAIN is an easy-to-remember tool for practicing mindfulness and compassion using the following four steps: 

Recognize what is happening 

Recognizing means consciously acknowledging any thoughts, feelings, or behaviors you are experiencing in any given situation that is affecting you. For example, recognizing that you are experiencing feelings of shame or unworthiness, or that your inner critic is being negative. It can mean recognizing that you are stuck in a thought spiral, having a depressive episode, or noticing that anxiety is getting out of control. 

Hence, recognizing can be as simple as a quiet mental whisper. There is no need to do anything with what has come up; the first step is simply noticing and acknowledging it. 

Allow the experience to be there the way it is 

Allowing the experience means simply observing what is happening in terms of thoughts, emotions, and behaviors, rather than trying to immediately fix it or avoid them. It’s important to know that allowing it does not mean you approve of the experience or that you agree with it. Rather, we honestly acknowledge the painful experience or feelings we may be experiencing. 

Many times, I notice with my clients that they often try to suppress or avoid painful emotions rather than allowing the experience to be there the way it is. This often worsens the situation because if our emotions and thoughts do not get attention, then they can become more intense. 

Investigate with Kindness 

Once you have recognized and allowed yourself to experience what is arising, the next step is to deepen our connection through investigation. It is important to investigate with curiosity but without judgment. 

It’s best to use your natural curiosity to understand the truth of this experience and how it impacts your present day. You might ask yourself:

• What is happening inside me? 
• How am I experiencing this in my body? 
• What am I believing about myself? 
• What does this vulnerable place want from me? 
• What does this most need? 

Whichever form of inquiry you choose, the investigation can become more meaningful and transformational when you allow yourself to notice the experience in your body, rather than trying to understand it only by thinking about it or intellectualizing it. 

Nurture with self-compassion 

After investigating our experience, the next step is to nurture our inner life with self-care. In order to do this, try to understand what the hurting, wounded, scared, and shameful place inside of you most needs, and then try to offer some gesture of care and compassion that might address this. 

Does it need a message of validation? Of reassurance? Of forgiveness? Or love and belongingness? 

Whatever response you may receive, experiment and see which intentional gesture of kindness most helps to comfort or open your heart. 

For example: “I am here for you. I am sorry that it took so long for me to hear you. I am listening. It’s not your fault.” 

Additionally, you can try to show nurture by gently placing a hand on your heart or shoulders, or by envisioning being embraced by warm and radiant light. 

Furthermore, if it feels difficult to offer yourself love, bring to mind a loving being, which may include a family figure, friend, pet, support figure, wisdom figure, or spiritual figure, and imagine their love and care flowing into you. 

When your intention to awaken self-compassion is sincere, the smallest gesture of turning towards love, of offering love, even if it initially feels awkward, will nourish your heart. 

Conclusion 

Self-compassion is not about making excuses for ourselves or avoiding responsibility. It’s about learning to respond to our struggles with the same kindness, patience, warmth and understanding which we offer to others. We may not be able to prevent difficult moments, mistakes or failures, but we can choose how we treat ourselves when they happen. Sometimes,

being a little kinder and compassionate towards ourselves is exactly what we need to move forward in our healing journey. 

References: 

Neff, K. & Germer, C. (2018). The mindful self-compassion.