Parenting a Child with an Eating Disorder
Parenting a child with an eating disorder can be difficult and scary. Many parents feel guilty for not noticing the signs sooner or even blame themselves for their child’s disordered eating. While it is impossible for a parent to fully prevent their children from developing eating disorders, there are many things they can do to help their child heal. It is important to talk to your child’s team directly about how you can best support their recovery, but continue reading to learn some general parenting tips for helping your child conquer their eating disorder.
Model a Healthy Relationship with Food and Body Image
Children often mimic their parents and learn through modeling, therefore it is imperative for parents to demonstrate intuitive eating and a healthy relationship with food. This means avoiding diet talk- which is when we talk about calories, label certain foods as “good” or bad”, or say we want to eat less in order to lose weight. Modeling a healthy relationship with food looks like eating when you feel hungry, filling up your plate with a variety of food, and not restricting things that we tend to label as “junk food”. When your child is diagnosed with an eating disorder, make sure your home is free from foods that are labeled as “low-calorie” or “diet”. Unfortunately, diet culture has become ingrained in our society and it will take some time to unlearn this; many parents have to put in their own work in order to heal their relationship with food. If you find yourself struggling to avoid making unhelpful comments about food and eating, it may be helpful to seek your own therapy while your child is in recovery from an eating disorder.
Similarly to how we want to avoid talking negatively about food in front of children struggling with eating disorders, we also want to be cautious about how we talk about body image in front of them. Making comments about being unhappy with your weight or size will just encourage your child to be critical of their own body. We often make these comments without even noticing, so try to be more mindful of how you speak about yourself. Many people struggle with their body image, and that’s okay, so if you feel like you cannot model body positivity for your child, it is best to just avoid talking about body shape and size. It is also important to be aware of our relationship with exercise as we do not want to promote excessive exercise for the purpose of weight loss to our children.
Tips for Mealtimes
While your child is engaging in treatment for an eating disorder, it is typically encouraged to eat meals together as a family. This is another great opportunity to model intuitive eating and also gives you the ability to monitor your child’s food intake. During eating disorder recovery, your child should be seeing a dietician who will give them a specific meal plan to follow. Your child will be required to track exactly what they are eating, however you may have to help hold them accountable. Eating meals together gives you the ability to do this and ensures that your child is being honest about their eating habits. You can also note any eating disorder behaviors they exhibit such as taking small bites, picking apart their food, or eating too quickly. While it is important to monitor your child’s eating, make sure not to make any comparisons between the amount that they are eating and the amount that another family member is eating.
Eating as a family can also take some of the stress out of mealtimes as you can use conversation and games as a form of positive distraction. Speak to your child’s therapist and dietician about what is appropriate, but many children find it helpful to take some of the attention of mealtimes off of the food. If you notice your child becoming anxious or dysregulated during a meal, you can help them work through it or coach them in using a coping skill such as deep breathing or positive affirmations. After a meal is finished, engaging in an activity with your child like watching a show or playing a board game can help discourage compulsive behaviors like over-exercise or purging.
Avoid Unhelpful Accommodations
In therapy and parent coaching, we often talk about reducing unhelpful accommodations, which are parent or caregiver behaviors that are well-intentioned but actually reinforce your child’s disorder. Some examples of this in eating disorder recovery are allowing your child to eat less than their meal plan, only feeding your child their safe foods, or using low calorie substitutions. These accommodations are unhelpful because they allow your child to avoid facing the fears that their eating disorder has created. There is often a snowball effect to accommodations and if you give into these requests, you will soon find yourself having to cater to every demand of your child’s eating disorder.
Resisting accommodations is easier said than done, especially when your child is dealing with an eating disorder. Eating disorders are complex and strong and your child may put up quite a fight in order to get what they want. This can be difficult to manage as a parent because you want to make your child’s life easier. However, it is imperative to stay strong in denying these accommodations and being consistent because when a child is being highly accommodated in the home, it is difficult for them to make significant progress in recovery. However, no parent is perfect and there will be moments when you give in- try not to beat yourself up about this and seek support from your child’s team if necessary.
Work with Their Treatment Team
As your child progresses throughout eating disorder recovery and treatment, parents can help support and challenge them in various ways. At Serengeti Wellness, we recommend working closely with their treatment team (therapist, dietician, psychiatrist, etc.) throughout their journey in order to get updates and recommendations. While your child makes strides with their eating disorder, you can start to involve them more in activities such as cooking and grocery shopping; but please refer to their treatment team to ensure that your child is ready for these challenges.
There is a lot that goes into parenting a child with an eating disorder, which is why many parents find it beneficial to seek parent coaching while their child is in recovery. A parent coach can assist you in navigating the nuances of eating disorders and will ensure that you are providing your child with the proper support without engaging in unhelpful accommodations.
